Saturday, November 14, 2009

what is love anyway

'can you keep a secret?'
'i don't think so, but if you trust me, i think i can just keep it for myself'
'okay...'
'ya?'
'i think i'm in love, with someone who is older than me and completely not my type'
'i don't have anything to say now'
'i'm terribled by this love but terribly in love with her'
.................................
'where were we?sorry got to do something else'
'i'm in love'
'ah ya....i have to keep for myself about your "not supposed to love" with a woman who is actually older than you and she's actually not your type while your wife is actually close enough to fill the type that you wanted that's why you decided to marry her, right?'
'hehehe....i didn't exactly say that, i just said i'm terribly in love'
'why does everybody has to tell their secret to me and give me some kind of new heavy task to keep it and hold it for the rest of mylife?'
'because you're such a good person and you know that by telling someone whom we trust about our secret then we can ease our pain ...well...although i'm sharing my pain story to you'
'oh well...glad i could help you then'
'besides, i need to talk to you not only i trust you but i need to hear that my feeling is wrong, i'm supposed to stop this feeling'
'i don't have anything to say at this moment'
'i've been having this feeling and this affair for the last 2 years, i know it's not right, and she needs more than just having this backstreet relationship and her family demands her to get married soon'
'hhmmm....if her family knows who you are they are not supposed to ask you to marry their daughter, they should know that it's not right'
'i know..we have stopped seeing each other'
'so... end of story, what's the problem then?
'i cannot just erase my feeling, and pretend that i don't have it, it is on and off, on and off.... and i want to stop it'
'love.....i think i know how it felt and its effect, i thought i had love but then i have this hatred and mad but all of those fly with the time but i can't forget it'
'yes, it's true'
'i was so naive, even in my age. frankly, i respect a marriage, for me there is no such thing of 'marriage by forced' or 'marriage because we have to'. marriage is someone's decision. we can say 'no' if we don't want to get married now or with her or him. it's our own call to decide. so, we are not supposed to blame anybody else for what we think is a mistake to married with this particular someone or if we are in difficult position with our partner'
'i know, i think i am standing before a big stone now and it's not easy for me to face it'
'life is full with stones, sometimes we face the small one sometimes we face the big one. if you think falling in love with somebody else is a big stone then you are not supposed to keeping bumping your head over and over again to get rid of the stone from your path as a result you have made the stone becomes more and more attached to you and fall in love with you. you have to be creative to find a way to move the stone from your path. sometimes, we can indirectly ask our partner to help us to move the stone, to work together to destroy the stone. it's not even the stone's fault to be there, it's already there before you cross to that path'
'yeah'
'you have to remember why you chose your partner, why you married her at the beginning, why you have such a courage to announce and declare your love not only in the name of God but in front of millions of people in the world. you should keep your holy vow and promise not only to your wife but also to God and everybody who has heard your vow. when you can keep your vow and you don't break your promise then you have proof not only to God but to yourself that you are a man!'
'speechless...., thanks for being my friend, thanks for telling me all of these stuffs, thanks for reminding me, thanks for being honest with me'
'oh well.....i said i don't have anything to say but turned out i said too much....too much for someone who is not even capable of having love ..again or not yet experiencing to say and have 'lifetime vow''
'it's proven that we don't need that, right? you have said all....all i need to hear at this moment, and we should meet up....i still need to talk'
'what is love that makes you like this?....please don't ask me anymore, i don't know....'
when love becomes stone in life,
when stone becomes air in life,
when love becomes nothing in marriage,
when marriage becomes nothing with stones
...then, what is love anyway?
love is.......
(to someone who is facing the stone, to someone who is breathing the air, and to someone who broke the words......words are nothing when it ain't said but everything when it's heard)

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

madness

i promise to write more English here, and this's it...it'll be one of them. Most of my writing is started with nothing but the feeling of wanting to write. a feeling that comes once in a month when i got my period, it's a strange feeling but it's true.

all i can think about at this moment is clearing my mind and thought from the madness.