details in the fabric

have you ever felt that you are in a movie? playing a part in it? really feel the motion, the emotion, the movement of each scene?...i have.

my movie is titled "details in the fabric" named after Jason Mraz's song.

when i put my earplug on and listen to this song, i immediately drown in my own movie...especially when the lyrics comes to this part:

"hold your own

know your name

go your own way...

everything will be fine

are the details in the fabric

are the things that make you panic

are your thoughts result a static cling

are the things that make you blow

hell, no reason, go on and scream

...

everything will be fine"

it looks like one scene in a movie where i was in a taxi and it drove me around the city, i looked out the window, looked at the people walking, driving, talking, or waiting, all along my way home after long hours of working, long hours of hard discussion, hearing shocking decision, facing unpleasant faces, holding my mouth from not sceaming to some people, regreting things that i should've said and done first before other, and having never ending feeling of missing and wanting. i felt like ...everything ..whatever i'll face a moment later will be fine and that i'm blessed and loved.

a love

dear my love,
time goes, time flies
heart breaks, heart lies
still, i am here for you
still, i stand here for you

dear my love,
man is born, man is dead
heart is sworn, heart is bled
still, i live for you
still, i die for you

dear my love,
love is I, I am love
I love you so
so, I love you

(when love is in a hunger of love, then saying l love you (always) is more than enough)

i wish...

after long hours of awakening for the last two days (40 hours to be precised), i had a good night's sleep last night, and don't remember any dream at all.
okay...here is what happened yesterday:
i just found out the cause of my sleepless period, which is...
regret..regret..and regretful was the cause.
lesson learnt:
"if i don't like it since the beginning, just say it and take a stand about it, otherwise i will end up with regretful and feeling disgraced"
"don't play around with thing that looks enjoyable which is actually not really enjoying at all"

The most important lesson is:
"better not to try to please everybody, especially those who don't deserve to and can't appreciate it"

i wish i could have said and done that before...long time ago...to some people.

(dasar bolot: penyakit sakau/mabok tingkat 99, yang ke-100: gak nyambung, apa-apa dipikirin : penyakit sakau no. 98)

awake

i'm still cold and awake...physically.
i'm awake...almost reaching 36 hours by dawn today.
i'm cold and awake...psychologically as well.
i'm awake...and aware.
i'm awake...for not to miss anything.
i'm awake...to feel alive.
i'm awake...

(jakarta, 3 dec 2008, 4.44PM)

cold

i can't sleep,
i feel cold....really cold ...i'm cold,
i wanna throw up but..i can't,
i wish i could cry...but i can't,
i'm just here...cold and awake,
i'm afraid...afraid of dreaming it...again,
i'm cold...and it keeps me awake.

(jakarta, 3 dec 2008, 2.56AM)