in memoriam of my 2011

today is Wednesday, the eleventh day of the year of 2012 and i am here writing from my tiny little room at home at nine forty five in the morning while i'm taking my home based working hours.

i feel bad if i don't write anything anymore in here, just for the shake of good relationship with my blog i need to document my 2011's history. it's already passed ...away, i can't bring it back or turn it back, yet i can still remember it here.

2011 is (another) proof of my survival period, my best friend and I say that life is about survival in enjoying and happy way for sure, and here how i survived and remember my 2011.....

i started this year with the feeling of uncertainty where i would have gone after almost five years with this organization and working with these people. knowing me as a person who like the routine and see everything run in well ordered, facing the changing always make me have the gloomy and laziness feeling yet i always...always excited about new things. turned out, i decided to moved out from this comfort zone and decided 'the less comfort zone' (???) at the national organization.

do i always say that God always listens to my thought and even my unconscious mind about so many things? i think i do...and God made it happened to me when i got this new job i told before (in local NGO). so does it mean i wanted to have an experience working at this environment, the answer Yes! i did and five months was enough for me to tasted it and took (advantages...oops) opportunity and chance to know new colleagues and new routine. however, those five months was a (quite) torture for my soul, intellectual, skills and knowledges. I couldn't have chance to give more and show more. yet, like i said before, i got a chance to enjoy for awhile when i took a short workshop in Bali on micro finance. i should have given back to this organization but once again i'm telling you that they seemed do not need more my contribution which actually equal with what i earned as a return for what i gave compare to what i earned before.

the seventh month of 2011 was the first month of my wandering and hovering around my home... literally. first month was still okay and optimist, some interview invitations and an optimistic moment. the second month was cooling down and reflection period and starting to ask about my 'risk taking' decision and the question of 'what if...' came out as well as starting to count the number and digit left in my bank account that day by day was getting smaller to support my unproductive time. fortunately it was the ramadhan month that put me not that worried about living in earth (or i just try to calm my worried down for a moment by saying that and being so religious). this second month had almost put me to take a decision that i think i would have regretted if i did not discuss it with my parents. I almost accepted an offering to work in that completely new areas and environment for me and would only give me a headache in the long period with that small amount of money i would have received that not even covered my daily expenses. My father suggested me firmly to reject it and i finally did...and be patient again and kept trying to find a suitable job for me (tried to calm me down by saying everything is going to be okay). the third month was almost reaching the peak moment of feeling bored on my chart of being unemployed and started to feel fast pounding in my heart sometimes at the same time because of worried. ah ya...i almost forgot, on the mid of second month i was introduced with a new routine which was an enjoyable and supporting when someone out there kept accompanying me every single night with stories, laughter, pictures, and encouraging words. and this was still going on in my beginning of forth month at home as well when i was standing next to my younger sister, holding her hand and be her bride maid. yes, my sister got married on 091011 and yes, once again i became a bride maid for my other sister just like for my older sister twelve years ago. this forth month of hovering around made me exhausted though, i was hospitalized for typoid, not a good time for my parents (i guess) seeing their daughter unemployed and sick at the same time. thanks to my insurance, i did not have to pay a single penny.

my patient and then impatient and then worried period paid off, i got an offering in the mid of october to work in this international organization that i said i tried to avoid it to even apply there, but once again I think God listened to my unconscious mind about wondering working with this organization. i applied month before it and i got a call at the time that i thought the position was already filled. the interview was not exactly the interview, it was sharing information and seeing my face and my interest of working as a researcher. I said yes and yes for the digit they offered which definitely higher than i ever got before and before. the work started in the following month and before i started, once again, i was hospitalized for another disease. Thanks God, i survived and all covered by insurance (again).

then here i am now, working at home as a consultant who is allowed to claim my working at home days as long as i deliver the output.

pphheeww....what a year of 2011, it was already passed, yup i survived and still alive, not regretting a single thing i decided in the 2011 and what i got in this year. i couldn't grateful enough to the Lord for giving me all the mind, unconscious mind, thought, decision, and moments i had with all the persons i met, talked and faced. every time i look at outside the window of the bus i ride every morning and every late afternoon or whenever i walk on pedestrian i always praise my grateful. i may not as lucky as other people who are luckier than me in so many ways that i haven't got that luck but i may have so many luck that other people do not have the luck as i have so far *got confused? please don't be...:-)*.

in memoriam of 2011, i present that year in here to honor all the people who was there for me all the year, encouraging me, supporting me, helping me and loving me....unconditionally. Thank you and Thanks God. I bet i still need you all and need you God, please always be there for me and i'll be there for you too... XoXo >:D<

Hope 2012 will be greater for all of us and full and lots of lots of love ....:-)

life is unbelievable

there's no such thing that you could believe in life.
you don't believe this or that thing could happen.
life is unbelievable
because
you are always surprised by the way it works to you
because
you like saying "i don't believe it happened to me" when you are sad
because
you like saying "i don't believe it happened to me" when you are happy
life is unbelievable in every way.
everything in your life is just unbelievable.
you are unbelievable to me.
i am unbelievable to you.
we are just unbelievable.
life keep making unbelievable things.
so
live is definitely unbelievable.

Half of 2010

I've been through the first half of 2010 without even touching this blog. not because i don't have any dramatic, melancholic, ordinary, extra ordinary experiences during that time, it's just pathetically i created new blogs for myself and about myself. This new blog was meant to be my diary but it happens to be just "my ordinary" blog that i forget to have it...sighs! :D. since that blog is only about me (a bit personal) so....i don't want to publish it ...hahahaha...pathetic huh? :p
anyway, i miss this blog and would like to make a footage for this month and this year. i do miss writing here and to be more precise...i miss writing. i lost my 'mojo' of putting anything in my mind and feeling into a writing.
oh well....i'm telling you, i need to get a new job (much better for sure)or i'll be dying with bored! :))...LOL!
ah one more thing: i think i "avoid" writing in blogger because the application does not complete anymore to make some editing and layouting....i don't like it, perhaps because it's free...hahhaha...:p

what is love anyway

'can you keep a secret?'

'i don't think so, but if you trust me, i think i can just keep it for myself'

'okay...'

'ya?'

'i think i'm in love, with someone who is older than me and completely not my type'

'i don't have anything to say now'

'i'm terribled by this love but terribly in love with her'

.................................

'where were we?sorry got to do something else'

'i'm in love'

'ah ya....i have to keep for myself about your "not supposed to love" with a woman who is actually older than you and she's actually not your type while your wife is actually close enough to fill the type that you wanted that's why you decided to marry her, right?'

'hehehe....i didn't exactly say that, i just said i'm terribly in love'

'why does everybody has to tell their secret to me and give me some kind of new heavy task to keep it and hold it for the rest of mylife?'

'because you're such a good person and you know that by telling someone whom we trust about our secret then we can ease our pain ...well...although i'm sharing my pain story to you'

'oh well...glad i could help you then'

'besides, i need to talk to you not only i trust you but i need to hear that my feeling is wrong, i'm supposed to stop this feeling'

'i don't have anything to say at this moment'

'i've been having this feeling and this affair for the last 2 years, i know it's not right, and she needs more than just having this backstreet relationship and her family demands her to get married soon'

'hhmmm....if her family knows who you are they are not supposed to ask you to marry their daughter, they should know that it's not right'

'i know..we have stopped seeing each other'

'so... end of story, what's the problem then?

'i cannot just erase my feeling, and pretend that i don't have it, it is on and off, on and off.... and i want to stop it'

'love.....i think i know how it felt and its effect, i thought i had love but then i have this hatred and mad but all of those fly with the time but i can't forget it'

'yes, it's true'

'i was so naive, even in my age. frankly, i respect a marriage, for me there is no such thing of 'marriage by forced' or 'marriage because we have to'. marriage is someone's decision. we can say 'no' if we don't want to get married now or with her or him. it's our own call to decide. so, we are not supposed to blame anybody else for what we think is a mistake to married with this particular someone or if we are in difficult position with our partner'

'i know, i think i am standing before a big stone now and it's not easy for me to face it'

'life is full with stones, sometimes we face the small one sometimes we face the big one. if you think falling in love with somebody else is a big stone then you are not supposed to keeping bumping your head over and over again to get rid of the stone from your path as a result you have made the stone becomes more and more attached to you and fall in love with you. you have to be creative to find a way to move the stone from your path. sometimes, we can indirectly ask our partner to help us to move the stone, to work together to destroy the stone. it's not even the stone's fault to be there, it's already there before you cross to that path'

'yeah'

'you have to remember why you chose your partner, why you married her at the beginning, why you have such a courage to announce and declare your love not only in the name of God but in front of millions of people in the world. you should keep your holy vow and promise not only to your wife but also to God and everybody who has heard your vow. when you can keep your vow and you don't break your promise then you have proof not only to God but to yourself that you are a man!'

'speechless...., thanks for being my friend, thanks for telling me all of these stuffs, thanks for reminding me, thanks for being honest with me'

'oh well.....i said i don't have anything to say but turned out i said too much....too much for someone who is not even capable of having love ..again or not yet experiencing to say and have 'lifetime vow''

'it's proven that we don't need that, right? you have said all....all i need to hear at this moment, and we should meet up....i still need to talk'

'what is love that makes you like this?....please don't ask me anymore, i don't know....'

when love becomes stone in life,

when stone becomes air in life,

when love becomes nothing in marriage,

when marriage becomes nothing with stones

...then, what is love anyway?

love is.......

(to someone who is facing the stone, to someone who is breathing the air, and to someone who broke the words......words are nothing when it ain't said but everything when it's heard)

madness

i promise to write more English here, and this's it...it'll be one of them. Most of my writing is started with nothing but the feeling of wanting to write. a feeling that comes once in a month when i got my period, it's a strange feeling but it's true.

all i can think about at this moment is clearing my mind and thought from the madness.

tears

i just cried for two hours and now i have to make my eyes open to avoid puffy eyes tomorrow morning.

i just couldn't hold it, it came out without i could control it. i shred in tears easily...:((

just because i watched 'my sister's keeper'
but not only that, i naturally cry easily, when i'm excitedly happy, when i'm sad, when i feel emphaty, when i'm symphaty, when i hurt-mentally or physically, when i watch sad movies, when i'm too overwhelmed...then my eyes will cover with tears :D

so...i try so hard to avoid sad films :D

recently

baru saja mulai sedikit rileks, menyandarkan badan pada kursi dan menikmati secangkir kopi instan pahit yang sudah lama tidak kunikmati karena banyak penentangnya ketika sempat tepar beberapa waktu dengan badan panas dingin tak menentu....eee.....tiba-tiba mata ini 'gerah' melihat meja kerja yang berantakan dengan dokumen-dokumen yang belum terfile rapi maka acara menyandarkan diri menjadi merapikan meja dan berkas-berkas ..dan lalu tiba-tiba.....oh s**t..Oh my God...this approved letter reminds me that we missed one thing...just one thing....one activity that already been implemented but forget to propose the reimbursement on the quarterly workplan ...aaarrrggghhh.....and then tulisan ini menjadi alenia dengan satu kalimat yang teramat panjang yang tadinya ingin kumulai dengan sebuah 'kenyamanan semu' ala passed the deadline with 'flying flag' but unluckily both eyes, both brains, both body in this room has totally exhausted and missed one thing.....one thing.

oh well...my work, we have to revise it and re-send it...*sigh* ...not a perfect work i've done though!

ngomong-ngomong soal nulis 'recently', sebenarnya pingin nulis kejadian akhir-akhir ini saja, tapi karena kejadian tadi jadi hilang 'akal' dan rasa untuk melakukannya lagipula kejadian recentlynya gak spektakuler cuma macam ditawari buat ikutan kompetisi swatch collection, blum ikut ujian les karena sakit jadi dibolehkan nyusul, masih demen banget tidur, orang-orang begitu perhatian dan inget kalo saya sakit walau tidak saya ijinkan nengok, harus mulai rajin masak buat bekal lunch biar gak jajan sembarangan dan gak gampang sakit, katanya bakal dapat komisi ..alhamdulillah ....kebeneran pas lagi bokek abis-abisan trus dapat tiga kali amplop isi uang karena jadi partisipan...alhamdulillah gak bolak-balik ke ATM yang dah gak ada isinya..semoga bisa mempertahankan diri sampai akhir bulan dengan isi amplop itu, mulai bosen ma facebook tapi itu salah satu hiburan kalo pas lagi nulis TOR, bakal pulang malam dari Sing tar bulan desember karena skedul penerbangan 'dipaksa' diundur...untung kali ya ini jadi biar gak buru-buru tar, masih gak habis pikir dan bilang butuh dicuci otak tapi sebenernya gak terlalu dipikirin lagi, blum nemu lagu baru buat nyekokin otak dan masih dengerin koleksi lagu-lagu lama yang dah mulai ketinggalan jaman dan dah diapal anak-anak kalo ke inul, maksa konsultan buat mo kerja cepet tapi blum bikin kontraknya dari sekarang, sedih karena nyokap lagi mriang-mriang, flu, sakit perut di kampung, dah mulai kebiasa ma panas dan keringat di kantor ini, merasakan manfaatnya punya asuransi kesehatan jadi gak kluar ongkos buat brobat ..tapi jangan pernah diinfus lagi...srasa lemah banget, gak habis pikir juga karena ada yang nyuekin, gak habis pikir juga kenapa ada yang tiba-tiba nongol, gak nemu 'vibrate' tapi ngirim juga akhirnya, gak habis pikir kenapa blum juga ganti hape yang joysticknya dah ngadat abis...ah ini kayaknya berhubungan dengan masih rasionalnya otak gue mengingat dah bokek itu dan tetep...sok low profile, lebih pingin bli netbook ato apel ato vaio ketimbang hape tapi skali lagi gak habis pikir kenapa lebih gampang 'ngegesek' buat sepatu dan tas yang dah berjibun dan gak ada tempat di raknya lagi, masih bisa nepatin janji buat nulis soal jakarta lagi walo gak terlalu total.

oh well...gue emang aneh kadang-kadang...recently...